03 May, 2012

Growing Up And Moving On.

So, I went into a local bank this morning to speak to a representative about possibly switching banking institutions. This very cute dark haired girl comes to get me and begins to explain the different bank accounts, etc.... I'm not sure how it happened but she opened up about a miscarriage, a divorce, etc. With the exceptions of the fact I've never had a miscarriage, and I'm not bisexual, it was pretty much like having a conversation with me - except I was talking to the "me" I was when I was her age (which was 26).

It was pretty much my life story... She met someone a little older than her when she was young, she got pregnant, they grew apart because she started to grow up and realized who she was (or was going to be), wasn't what he had in mind. Soon he wouldn't touch her, and pretty much they were more roommates than partners, or husband and wife. She found some attention elsewhere and decided then that it was time to move on. Of course now, he refuses to let her leave with her child, though she is free to leave by herself at any point, and has filed divorce seeking pretty much everything - including her child.

I listened to her story, and I swear I wanted to cry. We talked about growing up and realizing that sometimes when you finally start to grow up, being who you are comes at a cost - be that relationships, friends, or even family. I think that's an even harder pill to swallow when you have this realization and you are a mother. I think you hang on longer to situations and people that you know are already done and over with, and I think you pray harder for miracles so that you don't have to "do that thing which you know you must".

I know in my own situation I stayed until the bitter end, and by bitter, how much worse can "GET THE FUCK OUT" be?? We had both done so much stupid shit, and burned so many bridges, and honestly by that morning it was just wondering when the other shoe was going to drop. Well, at least it was for me, I don't know WHAT the hell he was thinking, but I suspect he was just over it too. I really honestly believe that by that morning I was so over it that hanging in there "for the sake of our daughter" was no longer a factor. I had done it as long as I was going to, and I was over it.

How long can you watch someone walk in the front door and have them look at you like "Oh, you're still here....", or you sit on the couch - alone - because they'd rather be doing something else, OR, you lay in bed at night and you listen to them breathe, but holding you is, as usual, the farthest thing from their mind. It's a total mind fuck to know that you someone's biggest disappointment, or regret.

The fact is that you can analyze the fact that he was never home and didn't honestly give two shits about us waiting for him at home, and you can analyze the fact that I always sucked with money and keeping the house up - despite the fact I worked full time too, but the reality of it all is that we just weren't meant to be, and instead of calling the game when it was time so we could part as friends and continue to make a happy life for the one and only thing we ever did fucking right, we stayed, we fought, it got worse, he did some even MORE stupid shit, and God knows I did too, and then one morning it imploded over a Goddamned mortgage payment.

Two years and eleven months later, what is there to show for it? Well, the situation between my daughter's father and I slowly continues to deteriorate. His girlfriend and mother are still pretty much the two biggest assholes I've ever met. One lawyer happened make $31,000.00 off of our daughter's "best interest", and the other lawyer got a judgement, but of course, the opposing party won't pay him - er, his mother won't pay him, since this whole legal battle hasn't cost him a dime - his mother paid for it all.

Somedays I seriously sit back and I think to myself "What the hell did I do to deserve this"? Or, I think to myself "doesn't he care AT ALL about his daughter?" Now, of course, I realize this has nothing to do with his daughter. All he really cares about - along with his asshole girlfriend, and asshole mother - is making me suffer. I'm long past suffering. I won. Not only did I win, but my lawyer made yours look like he got his law degree on ebay.

But, you know who has lost? Our daughter. It's been two years. By this point, and given the fact that I'm now married and ridiculously happy, and he's still shacked up with G's daycare teacher, you'd think everyone could have just let it go. And for the most part I have. I realize that my terminology and phrasing may indicate otherwise, but to my kid, it's all over. Mommy will always love daddy, we just made better friends, and someday all this ugliness will be over.

So, as I listened to this story, I gave her the only advice I could. It was to stay strong, always put her daughter first and to realize that there comes a point where you have to realize that it's you or him - and what's in the middle of this struggle is your kid(s). My heart broke for her. I've been that scared. I've been that depressed. I've been that tired. I've been that confused, and in the end I was THAT angry.

However, maybe one day for both of us, the ugliness will pass, we'll be able to raise our children with our respective former partners, and give our kids all that we had hoped for - be it in separate houses.

So, I wish her well, and hope she finds the strength to see it through.


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